My boyfriend loves being a Dom but...

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My boyfriend loves being a Dom but...

Unread postby BlueDiamondEyes » Mon Oct 10, 2016 5:49 am

Hello everyone! I'm very very new to everything, I've always enjoyed being tied up or spanked. But my current boyfriend. He loves bondage but he is very gentle with me. He won't tie me up bc he's afraid he will hurt me, so we just have rough sex with light spanking. I'm very shy and he says he has to control himself with me, I guess my question is: how do I go about talking to him about this? I'm not made of glass, I ask him to spank me harder during sex but I feel like he holds back.
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Re: My boyfriend loves being a Dom but...

Unread postby infenron » Mon Oct 10, 2016 9:26 pm

Be honest and vocal, when hes spanking shout harder :p
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Re: My boyfriend loves being a Dom but...

Unread postby One Pivot » Tue Oct 11, 2016 1:18 am

There's no trick, just honest and straight forward communication.

He may have a hangup. Honestly, I've seen this topic come up a lot where subs claim their Dom is too gentle and "doesn't want to hurt them". I don't think I have an answer to why, but the only thing you can do is be honest and open. Sounds like you're already saying harder, so great start! Any good Dom doesn't want to physically damage their sub, but they also need to understand that people can definitely take a beating!

Also try talking to him well before you start playing. Remove the pressure of the act and just express what you want, in a casual conversation. It may just take him time to relax and get in sync with the dynamic too.
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Re: My boyfriend loves being a Dom but...

Unread postby Stahlketten » Wed Feb 08, 2017 6:21 pm

Craft a scenario in which you are both role-playing and you can control how long and hard you get spanked:

How about this:
He is to give you a spanking because you have been "naughty".
After each round of spanking, he asks you whether you will stop being naughty.
If you want more or harder, you tell him no.
He stops only when you agree not to be naughty any more.... Though I suspect that is when things will actually get more "Naughty".

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Re: My boyfriend loves being a Dom but...

Unread postby Japanesebound » Fri Feb 10, 2017 4:31 pm

It can be very hard for a new Dom or top to get a sense of what effect things like a spanking can have on a partner.

The two things you might want to discuss is how having a good warm up may affect your pain tolerance and how, if he starts slowly, he can build up to a much heavier spanking.

The other thing that you can do to help him understand how things are feeling is to have check ins where you can respond by telling him on a scale of 1 to 10 where you are in your pain threshold. He might be really surprised to learn that what he thought was an 8 was more like a 2 for you. It will give him a much better sense of where your head space is.

It may sound a little unsexy to think about, but actually practicing or getting out and finding some classes in your local community can go a long way to building his knowledge and providing a context where he can be confident that he is playing safely.

I think a lot of Doms or tops feel like they should be born knowing how to do all this, but the reality is that there is a learning curve just like anything else. And whatever your kink, there are people out there who have been doing it a long time and are probably willing to share what they know.
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