Understanding my sexuality

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Understanding my sexuality

Unread postby therealme28 » Fri Dec 16, 2016 7:18 pm

For the first time, I feel as though I understand myself. I thought I was a sexual submissive for a very long time, for years. After years of exploring in light ways, discussions, dominants, light dominants, and a little bit of therapy I can now say that I am not a sexual submissive. Rather I have submissive tendencies in my personality. However, I also love the fantasy of sexually submitting. Even though I don’t particularly identify with submissive, I still enjoy light kink from time to time.

Right now I am exploring with three different men, who know each other and know me. I’m female by the way. All three have talked to each other about my explorations and have been included at the same time. In the past, I would have thought that three men in the same time would be too much for me. However, right now it is helping me to understand a few things such as compatibility, my likes, dislikes, what I really want sexually, and my sexuality even more. Plus, I’m not going to deny that it is fun.

I wanted to be a sexual submissive or submissive for so long, that it was a bit confusing for me to realize finally that I’m not submissive. It felt freeing and liberating, yet I also felt a little upset. I was surprised that I felt upset because I wanted to understand this about myself for so many years. I can’t really say that I understand why I was upset. I would explain it if I could.

I would never call anyone a wanna be submissive, but that it what I truly felt like. I even felt as though I should be punished for wasting masters and dominants time, taught lessons, and possibly punished for being one!
Can a punishment be part of exploration? Would you ever think that a woman being punished for being a “wanna be submissive” is a good idea, what if they wanted the punishment?

There have been parts of my explorations with the men that I’ve enjoyed, but I know that I wouldn’t want it again. Even if I had those things again, I would want only in the exploration and not past the exploration itself.

Is this what sexual exploration is all about? Finding out what you truly want and desire after the exploration, with future partners?

I’ve been learning in my exploration a lot about myself.

I knew that I could go a long time and not desire any kink. However, I recently discovered and realized that sometimes once I have a little kink, I just want more and more.

Anyway, to not make this a lengthy post… any advice is well appreciated!

(Also, do you think it is a good idea for someone such as me to be on fetlife? I was on there in the past and I had bad and good experiences. I felt intimidated, overwhelmed, judged. Yet, I also had some good feedback or discussions in the groups. I also felt very persuaded, and pushed into the community. I think perhaps it is not for women who are into light kink such as me! I just wonder if I should try it once more to get some discussion and feedback in my exploration?)
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Re: Understanding my sexuality

Unread postby MelbourneDom » Sat Dec 17, 2016 7:29 am

An interesting post.

It would be interesting to know your approximate age as I think we
see life very differently when we are 25 to when we are 55.

*Three* men at one time (the same time?) you greedy little minx :)
And, yes, I bet it is fun. More seriously, tread carefully because
you now have a very complex dynamic involving four people and three
male egos. Reversing the situation, I find one woman at a time quite
enough to cope with!

I would not draw a significant distinction between a [female]
submissive and a sexual submissive. I suspect most (all?) submissives
would also like to be sexually submissive to the man of their choice.

Your desire to be punished is not unusual and may well have roots in
unresolved childhood stuff, you could probably sort it out in therapy
but is it worth it? If you enjoy being punished then go for it and
turn a hang-up into a positive and, I'm sure, in the fullness of time
you will work it out in your own way. We did manage to function as
individuals before psychiatrists were invented and when therapy was a
chat with your best mate.

>Is this what sexual exploration is all about? Finding out what you
>truly want and desire after the exploration, with future partners?

In order to have good BDSM sex we need to get to know our partner;
how to communicate with them and how to respond to them, this takes
time and effort.

From my perspective, as a male dominant, BDSM sex has been
significantly different with each woman I have known and each of
those women have brought out a slightly different aspect of my BDSM
needs and, indeed, helped me develop and extend those needs.

>I’ve been learning in my exploration a lot about myself.

Good. I consider BDSM is often therapy by another method.

>sometimes once I have a little kink, I just want more and more.

It is hard, perhaps impossible, to put the genie back into the
bottle :)

>is a good idea for someone such as me to be on fetlife?
>I also felt very persuaded, and pushed into the community.

I suggest you exercise considerable caution in regard to "the BDSM
community". I was a part of it 20 years ago and for some years
afterwards - I no longer am. Once the internet really took off, and
BDSM became a fashion statement for many, the "community" (a misnomer
if ever there was one) became a place to prey on others. In
particular many vanilla (and sometimes warped) men realised that if
they dressed up in black leather and strutted around with a riding
crop they could get kinky sex with naive women. Invariably it was the
women who were hurt often both physically and emotionally.

In a nutshell I suppose; you wouldn't let some stranger off the
pavement tie you to a post and whip you so why would you let some
stranger in a club do the same or, far worse, let him take you home
and do it? Common sense and maturity are essential if one is going to
play these games.

>I think perhaps it is not for women who are into light kink such as
>me!

I think you are correct. Tread carefully.

It takes time for people to discover and come to terms with their
BDSM needs. I met my current submissive three years ago when she had
no previous experience of anything but vanilla sex; it is only now
that her real desire (similar to yours as it happens) to be punished
is coming to the fore. It has taken her three years to acknowledge
this need within herself and to have the confidence in me needed for
her to make this exposure - that's no small thing.

A consequence of her need for punishment is that it has enabled me to
become more aggressive in out play. I tend to be a carer rather than
an aggressor but knowing her need has given me internal permission to
allow the bastard within to come closer to the surface - something I
actually enjoy I have discovered. Perhaps that "carer" thing was a
cover? We are complex creatures :)

To end: Do not less anyone push you around - it's your body, your
mind and your choice.
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Re: Understanding my sexuality

Unread postby therealme28 » Sat Dec 17, 2016 9:02 pm

I'm 28 and turning 29 in January.

Yes, I am treading carefully and so are they.

In a relationship, I would only want one man and I can understand what you are saying.

I would not draw a significant distinction between a [female]
submissive and a sexual submissive. I suspect most (all?) submissives
would also like to be sexually submissive to the man of their choice.


I'm glad you said that because it confused me when I first started to understand this about kink and myself. I always knew I wasn't a slave, didn't want 24/7, but questioned if I was submissive for a long time. I knew I only wanted in the bedroom, but was open to the possibility of outside of the bedroom. However what I wanted, desired, and thought might be a part of me was sexually submitting. The most confusing part for me was the control aspect of being sexual submissive. For me, I desired to sexual submit in a d/s dynamic or relationship but in the bedroom in a sexual way. Once I understood myself more, I understood that I didn't truly want to give up control. This lead me to understand that I'm not truly submissive. Someone once mentioned possibly being a bottom but it never truly felt like me. The control aspect is still one of the most confusing factors in kink about myself for me!

A consequence of her need for punishment is that it has enabled me to
become more aggressive in out play. I tend to be a carer rather than
an aggressor but knowing her need has given me internal permission to
allow the bastard within to come closer to the surface - something I
actually enjoy I have discovered. Perhaps that "carer" thing was a
cover? We are complex creatures :)


Yes, a carer is definitely something I can understand. Not just the aftercare, but the compassion and caring for the submissive is something that I've wanted for awhile. I can now say that I understand that I want a man who shows compassion even if it is on a rare occasion. Even if it isn't compassion, emotional support would be great! You get my point. I enjoyed and needed it after explorations in the past, and I understand that I want in a relationship now.

I wonder if perhaps I have a need for punishment when I have done something. In a past relationship, I wasn't punished for something I did. I felt it as a need, a want, a desire. It was okay if I didn't receive the punishment yet I felt more fulfilled when I received it. Perhaps this is one of the reasons D/s has confused me for so long about myself. I was in a very light D/s relationship at the time. On the other hand, there are times when I can be a bit more of a "stubborn" (can't think of the right word) woman who wants to do what I want!

Your desire to be punished is not unusual and may well have roots in
unresolved childhood stuff, you could probably sort it out in therapy
but is it worth it? If you enjoy being punished then go for it and
turn a hang-up into a positive and, I'm sure, in the fullness of time
you will work it out in your own way. We did manage to function as
individuals before psychiatrists were invented and when therapy was a
chat with your best mate.


In this topic, I currently don't hold a license or have a vehicle. I need one and this is something that I have been trying to work on but have been struggling with it and find myself making excuses. I don't really have a desire to be punished for it, but I suppose it is a root in unresolved stuff! Is this the type of stuff you are talking about? I did at one point think I wanted to be punished and guided for help, but then I decided I didn't and it may be unhealthy solution.


In all my relationships, explorations, and journey so forth I have learned that I enjoy light bondage, rope bondage, spreader bars, spanking (hand or paddle), and I would like to try different types of bondage, different types of spanking, and role playing. I'm open to trying more as well. So I think what I am trying to say is that I'm not particularly a submissive, but I do enjoy kink. I've often fantasized about d/s "session" "play" but the control factor is where I was confused. Now, I know that I don't like to particularly give up control.

So for someone such as me / A woman who enjoys light kink: What advice does anyone have on dating?
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Re: Understanding my sexuality

Unread postby One Pivot » Mon Dec 19, 2016 7:28 am

I'm honestly a little lost on the question I suppose.

It sounds like you enjoy submission but don't like the terminology?

Punishment is conceptually interesting. I think it's fundamentally linked to submission. Being spanked or flogged or impact play isn't necessarily punishment or submission. Desiring punishment, I feel is submission, at least to me.

Control is all perspective. Depending on who you ask, the submissive is always in control. Or not. There's no rule. Don't think you have to give up control because you enjoy the sub side.
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Re: Understanding my sexuality

Unread postby therealme28 » Mon Dec 19, 2016 8:55 pm

I suppose you may look at me as a submissive or the S type during play. However, I don't identify as a submissive. Even if I may look like one during play.
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Re: Understanding my sexuality

Unread postby tiemeupalso » Tue Dec 20, 2016 4:42 pm

just enjoy it and dont worry about lables.just be yourself.
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Re: Understanding my sexuality

Unread postby therealme28 » Tue Dec 20, 2016 4:52 pm

tiemeupalso wrote:just enjoy it and dont worry about lables.just be yourself.


Good advice. I think I'm just caught up on the idea that I have to date in the kink community even though I only like a little bit of kink. I don't necessarily look at it as a need. However, I've heard so many times that I need to go dating towards dominant to find compatibility. That just isn't true for everyone.
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Re: Understanding my sexuality

Unread postby Franzia » Tue Dec 20, 2016 5:37 pm

Tiemeupalso is correct- don't worry about and over think the labels. Most of us here don't precisely fit into any one specific category anyway, so it's probably best to think of one's interests as being a mix. An example: 60% of this, 30% of that and 10% of whatever.

As for dating- since you seem to prefer light kink, perhaps general compatibility would be more important rather than giving too much priority to kink or d/s. So, while they may be useful for learning, fetlife or Alt.com may not be ideal for you.
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Re: Understanding my sexuality

Unread postby therealme28 » Wed Dec 21, 2016 8:05 pm

Yes, I agree.

I'm open to the idea of dating in kink but it makes me very nervous almost to the point that I can't go through with it. Not sure if that is because I only like light kink or if that is just me.
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Re: Understanding my sexuality

Unread postby therealme28 » Sat Dec 24, 2016 8:20 pm

Just wanted to update you all and say that in my recent explorations I am slowly learning that the more I try that the more I dislike. I might possibly only enjoy light bondage and light spanking to moderately.
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Re: Understanding my sexuality

Unread postby BoundToWait » Fri Jan 06, 2017 4:34 pm

Do what feels good to you, don't do what's not feeling good. Don't be scared to tell your partners what your limits are, and what you don't want to do. That's the only advice I have. Like a user above said, don't be too concerned about labels, etc. Just enjoy ;)
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Re: Understanding my sexuality

Unread postby Japanesebound » Fri Feb 10, 2017 4:43 pm

The most important aspect in any relationship, BDSM included is compatibility.

There is no right way to do any of this and exploring your kinks, fetishes, what turns you on, etc. is exactly what you should be doing.

Exploring can be a lot of fun and it is OK to try things and discover you don't like them. Being self-aware and understanding your needs, wants, and desires (and being able to communicate them) will make you a better partner and make it much easier to find someone who shares your interests.

Sadly, there are a lot of people who will try to convince you that there is some concept of a "true" submissive, slave, bottom or whatever. The minute someone tells you that you aren't a "real" or "true" submissive, I would recommend moving on.
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Re: Understanding my sexuality

Unread postby BoundToWait » Tue Feb 21, 2017 3:30 pm

I agree with what @Japanesebound said. Interesting website of yours btw ;)
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