Seeking perspective and possibly advice...

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NYdamsellover
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Seeking perspective and possibly advice...

Unread post by NYdamsellover »

I have been reading this board for a long time as a lurker but due to recent events I figured I would finally throw my hat into the ring and I have found myself in a unique predicament directly related to bondage and dating that I figured I would take the time to type out...

I have been in a six year relationship and while my girlfriend has on and off worked as a Dominatrix and/or video performer during our early relationship (she has moved on to more "office" type jobs as the years have gone by) she had never been able to open up to or be very accepting of my wish to include her in my interests in damsel in distress styled bondage and has often been critical when I try to push her into that kind of play gently and from time to time has even been a bit rudely critical of the interest. At most she let me jokingly tie her hands behind her back but to get her allow any form of actual bondage and/or a gag on any level let along a full scale role play ended up becoming a sheer impossibility it seemed.

Well, due to this and various other reasons we had a rough patch and we decided to take a break from each other and while a break is a break it came to my attention that about a month after our break she ended up meeting two different people and explored rather detailed and "high fantasy" situations in which she was heavily bound AND gagged (with her actively seeking someone with gifts in that area) and while I haven't directly confronted her I am quite shocked at the fact that she basically would never let me put my hand over her mouth let alone plan an entire robbery fantasy in a hotel with bondage and gags and god knows what else. (I found out due to the small proximity of the community and she thought she was being far more secretive than she was...or at least in who she selected.)

We have had dinner a few times since and we obviously still have our connection but this is playing on my mind and I don't want to address it until I've heard some perspectives...

Should I feel betrayed?

Why did she all of a sudden decide to try this now? With other people?

Should I be jealous?

I don't want to be judgemental nor throw the baby out with the bathwater but I can't feel as if my ego stings a little. These men got to live my dream with her and it can't really be undone.

I don't want to be judgemental and close the door entirely but as someone who has very few "knowledgeable" people to discuss this with possibly some of you have a perspective on the matter that I don't that can either bring us together more or put my mind at ease with how things turned out...

I welcome any thoughts...

Kleanthes
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Re: Seeking perspective and possibly advice...

Unread post by Kleanthes »

You have two options:

a) Talk with her
b) Don't talk with her

In case of b), you will simply have to live with the disappointment and the unfulfilled wishes. Ask yourself if you can do that. Personally, I couldn't, which is why my last vanilla relationship ended. And of course, if she has this wishes, too, then your relationship is doomed anyway if you do not talk about it.

In case of a) you probably should verify that your information is correct before "confronting" her, but there is probably no way around confronting her if it is true (except option b) of course).
And nobody can tell you what to feel, but I guess, nobody needs to since you already feel betrayed and jealous, I guess.

NYdamsellover
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Re: Seeking perspective and possibly advice...

Unread post by NYdamsellover »

I agree...she's obviously not "vanilla" anymore but will that ever be a part of her and I? Should I forgive this as a stepping stone if it does.

Kleanthes
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Re: Seeking perspective and possibly advice...

Unread post by Kleanthes »

Hard to give advice there, since it's mainly about your feelings. Only you can know if you can "forgive" something like this or if it will always be a problem. And only you can decice if you can accept it if it will never be part of your relationship. While poly people often fulfill various desires with different partners, it's probably hard to have something in common but being unable to actually share it, again, your decision.

I don't know any soft way to say it, so let me be blunt: Decide. Act. Accept the consequences. You want to have someone under your control, so act like it. Take command of your own destiny and accept where that takes you. It may not work, but at least you will have finally acted. There's a german saying, let me translate it roughly... "Better an end with terror than terror without end".

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d3vious.g3nius
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Re: Seeking perspective and possibly advice...

Unread post by d3vious.g3nius »

Know that in the end, you have to decide what is right for you. And that is not easy. Any advice given on a forum is from a very limited, one sided(yours), set of information. Which obviously has bias. But here goes...

Let's trim this down to the basics shall we: You were/are in a 6 year relationship with a girl who used to be a Dominatrix that had moved on from that career field quite some time ago. She never showed any interests participating in your desires for DiD scenarios to the point you claim she, on occasion, responded rudely to your gentle prodding for her to participate.

Then moving forward to now, you both agreed on a break due to the tension of your desires and other unexplained issues. To which, within a month since the break she engaged in bondage activities, sexual I assume, without you with persons she recently met.

I think that covers it.

At first glance at that I'd have to ask: Are you with the right person OR, are you the right person for her. For whatever reason she seems to have been honest and consistent with the "no DiD" play but your desires would not let it go. In fact, maybe I am reading this wrong but something you stated stands out to me... "... I can't feel as if my ego stings a little. These men got to live my dream with her". That almost reads as if your dream with her is what's important, or more important, rather than just her?

I'll just ask, where would your relationship be IF you didn't push the DiD play? Was there enough there without it for you both to be happy together?

As far as why she did what she did... who knows. People are complicated creatures. Could be spite, resentment etc etc. Ex: She did it knowing you'd find out and is getting exactly that reaction from you. A possibility.

Nobody can tell you if you should feel jealousy, betrayal or any other emotion. It is just what you will feel given your personality. When I broke up with my EX jealousy never factored into it, I'm not a jealous person. However you express the hurt, which you should and obviously are, is unique to you. AND, I will add, it changes over time. Most likely it will be an emotional roller coaster :(

Wrapping up, do you really think you could move on without talking this out? If so, then I think there's definitely a problem with that! As it's just not natural given the gravity of the situation. This isn't a you drank the last beverage in the fridge... AGAIN, or you left the cap off the toothpaste issue.

I used to be of the mindset that once your girl/guy does this, cheats on you, the relationship is over. But I do have two friends who've both recovered from their wives cheating. So that means there's hope ;)

I know I didn't "answer" any of your questions, that's all on you and her, I'm sorry about that and sorry you are going through this.

Wishing you the best, whatever that may entail,
- Dan(d.g)
"I am not helpless, I'm simply restrained at the moment!"

NYdamsellover
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Re: Seeking perspective and possibly advice...

Unread post by NYdamsellover »

I do agree that she may have wanted me to know about this which leaves mixed emotions...

We were "technically" on break which doesn't make it "cheating" but in this specific case it does cast a negative light on the topic. This isn't a "hookup".

It's a shock because if she did this to get at me she sacrificed her own ego/pride in the process...

NYdamsellover
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Re: Seeking perspective and possibly advice...

Unread post by NYdamsellover »

Kleanthes wrote:You have two options:

a) Talk with her
b) Don't talk with her

In case of b), you will simply have to live with the disappointment and the unfulfilled wishes. Ask yourself if you can do that. Personally, I couldn't, which is why my last vanilla relationship ended. And of course, if she has this wishes, too, then your relationship is doomed anyway if you do not talk about it.

In case of a) you probably should verify that your information is correct before "confronting" her, but there is probably no way around confronting her if it is true (except option b) of course).
And nobody can tell you what to feel, but I guess, nobody needs to since you already feel betrayed and jealous, I guess.
I took your advice about talking to her without a "confrontation" and it managed to be somewhat productive!

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boundBinder
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Re: Seeking perspective and possibly advice...

Unread post by boundBinder »

I'm curious. Did you two address why she was willing to do a DiD scenario with someone else, and not with you?

NYdamsellover
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Re: Seeking perspective and possibly advice...

Unread post by NYdamsellover »

boundBinder wrote:I'm curious. Did you two address why she was willing to do a DiD scenario with someone else, and not with you?
Yes...she described at as a much less "pressured" situation. She was curious about it but wasn't sure how she felt and she felt that there was a lot of pressure for her to take part in this and that it wasn't very natural and she felt very uncomfortable with the pressures of our relationship and possibly having it become a "public knowledge" thing.

When we began our "break" she was contacted by a mutual friend with very similar interests to mine and he encouraged her to try a one off situation and she found it a lot more discreet and "playful" because she felt no pressure except to try something new and have fun.

She never cared if she saw him again and he for his own reasons had to keep the encounter entirely secret.

She admitted to being entirely conflicted the minute until it was over but once it was done she knew exactly what it was She wanted without the worry of what anyone else wanted.

It made sense to me...she also said that the semi-stranger aspect made it more intense.

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boundBinder
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Re: Seeking perspective and possibly advice...

Unread post by boundBinder »

Sounds reasonable, I guess. It sounds as if you two are working things out. Thank you for answering. I hope that you both get what you want/need from each other, and wish you both well. :)

NYdamsellover
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Re: Seeking perspective and possibly advice...

Unread post by NYdamsellover »

boundBinder wrote:Sounds reasonable, I guess. It sounds as if you two are working things out. Thank you for answering. I hope that you both get what you want/need from each other, and wish you both well. :)
We are attempting to...it's not easy!

Stahlketten
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Re: Seeking perspective and possibly advice...

Unread post by Stahlketten »

I am glad things look like they are working out for you.
I am also glad that I kept quiet until this point because any advice I might have given would have prevented you from getting to where you are now.

Being able to communicate with your mate is a wonderful thing and it seems like she is introspective enough to be able to tell you exactly what her reasoning was. A lot of times (from my own personal experience unfortunately), the communications is not so good and what comes out is more reactive and harsh than the person may have been thinking.
It is easy to apologize but not so easy to un-say something.

NYdamsellover
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Re: Seeking perspective and possibly advice...

Unread post by NYdamsellover »

"hrlketten"]I am glad things look like they are working out for you.
I am also glad that I kept quiet until this point because any advice I might have given would have prevented you from getting to where you are now.

Being able to communicate with your mate is a wonderful thing and it seems like she is introspective enough to be able to tell you exactly what her reasoning was. A lot of times (from my own personal experience unfortunately), the communications is not so good and what comes out is more reactive and harsh than the person may have been thinking.
It is easy to apologize but not so easy to un-say something.
I can't say that it has entirely been a "pleasant" experience but we have managed to navigate much of the harder parts without anything turning into a fight. We have kept a lot of the more "touchy" details to email so that I can process some of the harder things to hear without an immediate reaction.

She isn't making any excuses which helps but we have a few unique situations to get past but there is progress. She feels it was within her right to explore at her comfort level but due to a limited selection of partners in the area they were some too close for comfort situations.

It's It's to sort but we're trying...

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boundBinder
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Re: Seeking perspective and possibly advice...

Unread post by boundBinder »

I think I can speak for all here, when I say that this is good news, and we hope that everything works out for the best--and the happiest--for both of you.

NYdamsellover
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Re: Seeking perspective and possibly advice...

Unread post by NYdamsellover »

boundBinder wrote:I think I can speak for all here, when I say that this is good news, and we hope that everything works out for the best--and the happiest--for both of you.
We are certainly trying...even if we don't get back together hopefully there will be a sense of understanding.

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