Page 1 of 1

Advice needed

Unread postPosted: Sat Jun 27, 2020 6:40 am
by Kinkyxx
I met this married couple right before the whole virus quarantine hit. We got together several times for board game/card games nights and suppers. We’ve taken turn hosting. We aren’t compatible kink-wise, they are bdsm and I am more swinger/kinky. We still seem to have several things in common and enjoy each other’s company. It is still nice to hang out with someone who is in the know.

He is the Dom, she is the sub. He’s into humiliation and public correction. She likes to serve. I do think he is a sadist and she isn’t a masochist, so there have been problems. She’s probably told me more than she should and I’m surprised we are still friends.

I find myself having to set a lot of boundaries, since he tries to dominate so many situations, when it is my turn to host. What I am cooking, how I am preparing it, where we will eat, what time we will eat - after COVID hit, even though we had been in each other’s space, they wanted to distance. I think I was making something a little messy, like spaghetti and they wanted to eat outside. I didn’t have trays and it was supposed to rain. It was perplexing to me that they wanted to eat six feet away from me, but we sat next to each other when we played cards.

We were going to meet at a nature place that had opened up. He asked me what time. I suggested 600, 630, 700 PM. He came back with how about 330 or 400? I just feel like everything is a negotiation or he/they are trying to keep me off-center. I find myself trying to plan every scenario out beforehand to prevent drastic changes and he (largely he) will invariably find something to micromanage or direct from afar.

We have similar backgrounds, experiences, education, political/religious views - again, I like them.

I’m looking for suggestions for interactions that don’t seem to be....well, scene related. I did try and step back and let them do all the planning and that resulted in a last minute get together of a dozen people at my house (before the pandemic). It didn’t start out with that many people, it was a “hey, do you want to have supper and play XYZ game tonight? Oh, do you mind if another couple joins us?” And so on, up to 12. It was fun, there was some mild play, lots of nudity, BUT I didn’t exactly plan to spend my day off running to the grocery store twice, frenzy cleaning and cooking.

This is probably as clear as mud.

Re: Advice needed

Unread postPosted: Sat Jun 27, 2020 1:37 pm
by Stahlketten
There are plenty of "nice" people that will start to impose and make assumptions about their "authority" as they get more familiar with you. I had a friend like that. I had always wondered why folks at a club had always kept their distance from him even though he seemed like a pretty nice guy. I found out and eventually distanced myself as well. To disagree with him was always taken as a personal insult and one doesn't need to find extra minefields to navigate in this world.

Re: Advice needed

Unread postPosted: Sat Jun 27, 2020 3:15 pm
by Kinkyxx
Thanks - I haven’t been to any local events in a while. I had great plans (unofficial New Year’s resolution) to attend a few munches and such. I’m not sure how they are viewed in the local scene. But, thinking about it, they don’t seem to have any long term lifestyle friends. That may be a sign - good point.

He’s always testing the boundaries with her, which I think is part of his kink. But then he throws in some limits. We had talked about having a wilder sex/bdsm party at my place. He said she could be serviced anally and vaginally, but Because of the virus would not be performing oral sex. He could only receive oral. What’s funny is that he is always trying to think of ways to test her limits, such as public nudity and flashing, but I figured out at our first get-together, that she ADORES having the attention on her.

Re: Advice needed

Unread postPosted: Sat Jun 27, 2020 5:17 pm
by Tesgri
My suggestion sounds simple but probably isn't and that's to plan an event that you will enjoy that (by my assumption of non scene related you are referring to vanilla activities) you share in common. If they agree than great, if not and he starts trying to change or plan something similar himself that just simply must include the option of kink than, in my opinion, don't agree.

In the same way that we set boundaries for ourselves, and limits for play we have to do the same for everyday life too, if you are not his submissive than he has no more right to control your life than I do. If that means he (and by that extension; they)won't hang out with you for such events than as tough as is. So be it. Not all friends are for all tasks or aspects.

It's like any other hobby, I have friends who like writing but would never come with me to do paintball and it would be awfully rash and rude of me to insist that they change the plans they've made for an evening hangout just to accommodate something that more predominantly consumes my life.

Hopefully this makes sense and is in line with what you were asking about.

Re: Advice needed

Unread postPosted: Sun Jun 28, 2020 7:49 pm
by Stahlketten
The "Club" I mentioned actually had nothing to do with kink. I had noticed for a while that this fellow wasn't often included in discussions and I had wondered about that. He seem to get his thrills from setting up situations in which others would unintentionally "offend him". There were incredibly many subjects that would wind their way into one of his sensitive areas that folks tended to avoid more than just casual greetings. He tended to ask advice on many things and I had wondered why people were just giving him dismissive answers such as, "However you want to do it..." until I realized that any more of a discussion would lead to problems.

Perhaps your "friend" is the kind that gets enjoyment out of making you change your plans. The situation you described with plans for the nature place sound like you were pretty flexible. I would expect in a normal discussion that if someone had a serious time restriction, they would not wait until the very end to drop a bomb on you. They would have told you their preference for a much earlier time and negotiated something that you two could AGREE on. It seems like this was just the opposite of what he was trying to do.

Re: Advice needed

Unread postPosted: Mon Jun 29, 2020 6:48 am
by Kinkyxx
I was lying in bed this morning and I realized a couple of things where I had maybe inadvertently set myself up for something. When I ask someone “what are you doing today” or “what are you working on” (for friends who regularly can talk or text at work) it is mainly a conversation starter or conversation filler. When this couple asks me what I am doing that day, it is the prelude for something that may have some enjoyment, but will probably have more work than what I’d like. I’m not super spontaneous.

So, one way I can avoid an issue is when I get a text or call from them asking that question is to indicate I have things going on that day. I don’t do booty calls, I’m not usually onboard with last minute dates from vanilla men, I need to recognize that even in the lifestyle, too many last minute plans probably means their other plans fell through.

And Stahlketten had a good point (I’m rephrasing it) about part of the control/domination personality of this particular Dom may be to make me change plans, capitulate to his whims. I’m just used to answering a question directly, I may need to throw is bac to him/them with “what time works best for you?”

Re: Advice needed

Unread postPosted: Mon Jun 29, 2020 2:52 pm
by Natyropes
It sounds like a marriage where husband and wife don't like the same things. The result could be the same. The only difference is that if you don't like each other, there is no divorce and you can still be friends. Just be honest about what you want and talk to them to find a way (if any) to enjoy all together. ;)

Re: Advice needed

Unread postPosted: Mon Jun 29, 2020 4:25 pm
by Stahlketten
I believe this is much more than not sharing common interests. They obviously do share some common interests.
It is more a matter of one person always wanting to mess with the other mentally. Some people seem to get enjoyment out of making others uncomfortable. I knew a couple in which the boyfriend tended to always find fault in what his girlfriend did. She was actually pretty intelligent but very quiet and tolerated all the "corrections". Eventually they got married though I always wondered why she didn't just dump him. He had a tendency to test the reactions of new people he met and found out pretty quickly that I would not tolerate this kind of behavior at all and didn't need his friendship. We eventually became friends anyway, but I always kept my guard up.
The other peculiar thing about this fellow was that he would never have any cash on him. If you walk into a convenience store and don't have enough money for a soda or a pack of candy, then you should do without. Instead, he would look around and rely on the charity of his friends who of course would not really expect to be paid back for something so trivial. Trivial still adds up though. He would also try to put cashiers into an uncomfortable position by paying for a pack of gum with a credit card. Often the cashier would point out that there was a minimum purchase requirement for a card because of the fees for using a card and that would start a 10 minute argument at the register. Any of his friends could of course cough up a dollar or two and not lose 10 minutes waiting, but after a while, I just learned to find something to do while waiting or just go outside and enjoy the weather instead of watching a stupid argument.
It wasn't like the fellow was poor because he wasn't. It was just his way of mooching off of other people. His girlfriend fell victim to these little pranks fairly often and I am sure she actually had a lot less money of her own.

Some people use uncomfortable social situations to manipulate others. Avoid those people or at least learn to deal with them.