The Bound Forum

I am a beginner Submissive woman. I am curious to receive a reply from experienced in BDSM culture.

Before the session, how to determine for Submissive the permissible degree of blows? Is it acceptable that the Dominant is tried the bondage kits on himself - this will give him minimal knowledge about the strength of the effect of this device on the skin?
I heard the opinion that the status of the Dominant does not allow him to try devices on himself, along with the belief that such testing automatically puts a masochist label.

My opinion is that any time someone uses a toy that will cause pain to the sub, they need to have an idea of how much it will hurt. It doesn't have to be a test in the context of a scene, but to not know is pretty negligent.

The dominant is obliged to test all devices and devices on himself so as not to injure the submissive. This is the law.

To echo previous posts, and to agree with them, any time I've been called to top someone (the problem with being a sub but also being the only one who knows rope in my circle of friends) I try to make sure I use ties I've been in before. My wife/domme is the same, anything from floggers or paddles to clamps or gags she's used on herself as well.

Furthermore, to help address your other questions, how much you want to be flogged/paddled/spanked/etc is up to how you feel that day or that scene. There is no set amount and there should be no expectation between partners that "you took 10 last time you can take 10 today". Yes there are dynamics that can work like that, those that set up a scale for punishments or some such and it could be argued that in those cases it's irrelevant if the sub feels up to that much because they knew the punishment and broke the rules regardless. But for me, and those I know, comfort fluctuates and what may be enjoyable now may be real torture later if they're already dealing with a tough day/time.

Is it acceptable for a dom to try bondage on themselves? Yes, rather encouraged as stated above. Now this is not to say that they can't or shouldn't experiment with their sub first such as more complete forms of restraint/bondage. But first they should know what the cuffs feel like, or the rope, so that if in a more complicated configuration the sub genuinely complains (cause some of us like to be brats) they'll be able to understand that much better why it hurt and avoid it in the future.

Lastly masochism is a desire, from my knowledge and opinion, and to me that means that testing a flogger etc on yourself does not make you a masochist any more so than hurting someone makes you sadist. Both titles predicate desire and choices to adopt them. Only you, or your dom/me, can label yourselves.

Best way to learn to top is to try out the bottom role.

DianeGrichtol wrote:I am a beginner Submissive woman. I am curious to receive a reply from experienced in BDSM culture.

Before the session, how to determine for Submissive the permissible degree of blows? Is it acceptable that the Dominant is tried the bondage kits on himself - this will give him minimal knowledge about the strength of the effect of this device on the skin?
I heard the opinion that the status of the Dominant does not allow him to try devices on himself, along with the belief that such testing automatically puts a masochist label.

No man should be hurt, whipped or spanked. He should be able to tell how many is ok based on how you react and looking at how your skin is handling it. A man should never try bondage. Bondage is for girls. If he is good at his roll you will quickly learn that he is In charge and he can choose how much and when to spank you.

Tesgri wrote: Furthermore, to help address your other questions, how much you want to be flogged/paddled/spanked/etc is up to how you feel that day or that scene. There is no set amount and there should be no expectation between partners that "you took 10 last time you can take 10 today". Yes there are dynamics that can work like that, those that set up a scale for punishments or some such and it could be argued that in those cases it's irrelevant if the sub feels up to that much because they knew the punishment and broke the rules regardless. But for me, and those I know, comfort fluctuates and what may be enjoyable now may be real torture later if they're already dealing with a tough day/time.

The right amount is what the man chooses. Your feeling on how much you can take or should take is irrelevant.

SubmissiveAmy wrote:The right amount is what the man chooses. Your feeling on how much you can take or should take is irrelevant.

And if there are no men present? Then what? If it's just my wife and I, two woman, then who says when to stop?

Although I’m not against lesbian relationships I feel all woman should submit to men even if it’s not sexual. So I wouldn’t recommend either of you take the dominant role since your both woman. But that’s up to you I guess. Personally I don’t think a woman should hit another woman because that will give her the sense of dominance.

We use the two safe word system. One for "this current action is no longer tolerable" and one for "I need immediate release of everything."

If I use the either, my owner sets up punishment in different forms later to compensate. Punishments usually are being restrained longer, cleaning bathrooms while tightly restrained, forced to be used as a foot rest during a movie, etc..

Seems a bit odd to punish, even later, for use of a safeword. Or is it only if you use the first variety? Because to me safewording is encouraged if I need out - and sometimes that's because the dom did something I don't like, and it hardly seems fair to be punished later for their choices.

Tesgri wrote:Seems a bit odd to punish, even later, for use of a safeword. Or is it only if you use the first variety? Because to me safewording is encouraged if I need out - and sometimes that's because the dom did something I don't like, and it hardly seems fair to be punished later for their choices.

In the beginning me wanting out wasnt punished but oddly without some consequence it felt like I was in control too much and wasnt arousing anymore in any session. Ultimately the safe word prevents major physical / mental harm to me and both of us agree to still honor and learn limits from the request. I just know there is a consequence now so I don't feel like I'm truly in control ever.

Ah, that clarifies it, thank you.

Sort of turning it from "I can escape any time I want" to "I can mitigate this until I'm more ready to take it".

Tesgri wrote:Ah, that clarifies it, thank you.

Sort of turning it from "I can escape any time I want" to "I can mitigate this until I'm more ready to take it".

It's kind hard to explain fully. There was a moment or switch from it is all selfishly about me and my pleasure to serving my owners needs. In turn they care about mine as well especially in my need to give up control.

We both don't want medical issues as a result of our playing so we aren't ever doing anything too extreme. There was a time when I was emotional due to circumstances at work and I just needed a break from everything, safe worded while being whipped, and was completely released from everything. We snuggled in bed for an hour or two, talked, and that was wonderful.

Next day though I was meticulously cleaning bathrooms as a result with no snack in my cuffs. It pleased me to please my owner by doing this but it was in no way selfishly fun for me. I know I'm cared for and an glad to get some reenforcement to remind me to care for and ultimately yield to my partner as well.

SubmissiveAmy wrote:Although I’m not against lesbian relationships I feel all woman should submit to men even if it’s not sexual. So I wouldn’t recommend either of you take the dominant role since your both woman. But that’s up to you I guess. Personally I don’t think a woman should hit another woman because that will give her the sense of dominance.

Well I am a lesbian and although I am not in a relationship now when I have in the past we have taken it in turns to be the more dominant one. I usually prefer to be submissive and bratty so most of the time I would be the bottom. I have absolutely no interest in having a relationship with a man any man in any form. I do have some male friends not many and they are in relationships with female friends. I have no desire on any level what so ever to be dominated by any male, I would only submit to a fellow female and only for fun, sexual pleasure and even then only as part of a romantic relationship.

If being submissive to men is what you desire thats fine but it does not suit every woman.

As for tips for playing the role of a submissive woman I would agree with the other posters that you must agree limits and boundaries. It is important for your own safety that you do this and use a safe word. I have a safe word but because I insist on agreeing limits first I have rarely used my safe word. Once you get into the swing of a relationship you instinctively know what each others desires are and so you don't need to sit down and agree to things before hand because yes this can ruin the mood. I find you can set the tone of a scene by using playful language before hand and because knowing each other is so important you kind of know what they want or they know what you want. For example you can smile and flirt and be cute and say thing like how naughty you have been today or how very very bad I have been and I feel so guilty or I need to be punished because....
It's all very corny and fun but thats the point its supposed to be fun and enjoyable for everyone involved. Thats how I do things and it works well for me.
I have tried some things that I would never do again because I didn't like them or because I thought well I've done that now and it was fun but I'm over it. Somethings I have done and thought oh my god where has this been all my life!
As for the whole submissive life style thing I don't do that and so I would not comment on it any further than I have.

Hope this helps

L x