Too much of a good thing?

[lotharj]

My partner and I spent the holiday week at our families house, so we were on our best behavior (no sex or play) and had some passing thoughts about how I enjoyed not being restrained during the week.

For some context, I have been with my partner continuously this year due to Covid and consequently have only been "free" the times we go out in public on occasion. Otherwise I have been happily restrained within minutes of being in private for days at a time or so I thought.

Today I was thinking it was nice to be able to have more freedom. Walking around casually with family, not feeling chains tugging at night in bed, no pressure to please my partner sexually any time they ask.

I've just been released after a long day and night of some pretty strict compensatory hogtie bondage and am very sore as I havent been used to it for a while. Maybe it's just my initial emotional reaction to my pain today or something that was building for a while. I don't want to ruin what I thought was a good thing though by mentioning this to my partner right now though.

Was hoping for some community thoughts and experience on this as a sounding board.

[Tesgri]

There is a lot that we can become used too, attached too, even feel necessary; but tradition for traditions sake is insanity. (My favourite saying for the past year or so... wonder why...)

You could just be feeling the aches of "remedial" restraints, something that, were it inflicted during normal proceedings, would be processed as a "heavy night" or "punishment" (if that is the way of things). But because it comes after a break it feels that much more potent and limiting. Perspective in this instance is key, as you state, it could just be the initial emotional reaction. It's like returning to work after a vacation, it feels like it sucks more than normal even if you enjoy your job.

My advice, given that thought, is to do the same thing I'd advise with any change (perceived or otherwise) in a relationship. Give it time and see how things go. If the feeling that you'd prefer more time free persists than you have your answer, if it fades than you know it was just a reaction.

[Karren]

I'd say that the pandemic has forced everyone into confining relationships (physical or mental) and that things may be a lot different and hopefully better if and when we come out the other side of this thing. Just see where it takes you...

[lotharj]

Thank you for the comments and thoughts!

As Tesgri suggested, I think it was an emotional knee jerk feeling to come out of vacation. However, because we have always been open and honest, I decided to bring this up to my partner anyway after a few days to cool down. Karren you are also spot on about a forced change as a result of Covid and some pent up emotions.

Once upon a time I was a switch that often preferred being submissive but did have a bit of fun dominating and tying others. My only other strong Bondage relationship was when I was with another who was also a switch so we inverted roles and experimented often. While the sex and play was great, I didn't see that relationship going very far and eventually we grew apart for more serious relationship needs.

I am in a relationship now where it is based on more than just sex and am still deeply in love with my current partner even after many years. What I found surprising when bringing up this topic of being more free is that my partner found this to be quite alarming.

We started this relationship with the expectations that I was the sub " no questions asked". It turns out the expectations weren't that black and white and for us we missed that there are two different definitions of being a sub, Sub(No Control) and Sub(In some control).

I was used to dictating some of the details of the scenario I would be a sub in and so I had at times negotiated about how we can compromise to please each other. My partner wants absolute control and that is core to to who they are. They were abused / abandoned in the past and thus need complete safety via control to relieve anxiety.

In the end, I love them to much to be that picky about some temporary pain coming back from a hiatus. I have always been loved and cared for in the past and that won't change. This did however result in some good discussion and shared learning about each other and a little bit more care about how are bodies react to abrupt changes.

Thanks again everyone

[Karren]

That was eloquently put, Lotharj! I know a lot about changing relationship expectations, my spouse was really upset when she found out that I liked to crossdress and so far has not wanted to change our relationship's expectations at all.. don't blame her since I was not upfront with the information when we started this. It's all about the partnership....

[lotharj]

That was eloquently put, Lotharj! I know a lot about changing relationship expectations, my spouse was really upset when she found out that I liked to crossdress and so far has not wanted to change our relationship's expectations at all.. don't blame her since I was not upfront with the information when we started this. It's all about the partnership....

She was ok with bondage but not cross-dressing? That would be an interesting twist on what I know about friends of ours that do both hand-in-hand. I'd tend to think that submission is a complete mindset and the gender stereotypes (way to dress) come along with it