Help with my "Andrea" stories

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jessbaby
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Joined: 13 Dec 2013, 18:15

Help with my "Andrea" stories

Unread post by jessbaby »

So I have written two stories already (#1 Andrea's Eventful Birthday, #2 Andrea and the FetFair) but aside from real life getting busier I've been having some trouble writing and thought I might be able to get some advice.

My problem is I find that I write scenes the way I imagine them, and I'm having trouble finding a way of getting it all down now. Either my imagination is several steps ahead of where I am in the story (and so I have trouble writing the path from A to B), or I start droning on and on and worry about bogging it all down in detail. I've set it aside for weeks at a time hoping that helps, but it doesn't' seem to help much. I've now four different times tried starting from scratch when I hit too big of a wall, (and that always helps, fresh perspective and all) but I weather it's a wall by page two or page ten I still keep hitting a wall. Maybe I just need to vent, I don't know. I have ideas of where to take the series (kind of what to keep that close to the chest though, but I could share if you think that would help) but that doesn't help me write *this* story necessarily.

I also would love some feedback. I can get into a very self-critical loop and some outside perspective of what does and doesn't work (and if you had ideas for where the story might go) I would really, really love to hear them. Seriously it could really help to get the opinion of another person so it's not just me I'm talking to.

subgrrl
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Joined: 01 Mar 2012, 14:56

Re: Help with my "Andrea" stories

Unread post by subgrrl »

It is always helpful to have an editor when you are writing. I am a fan of the features that you present in your stories. I would be willing to give feedback on you stories.

I've been accused of being mean (actually "vitriolic") within the utopia stories comments section. That just means that I will give you an honest assessment. I've done it in this forum as well. See: http://www.boundforum.com/viewtopic.php?f=16&t=84814

PM me and I will keep my comments between just you and me.

jessbaby
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Posts: 4
Joined: 13 Dec 2013, 18:15

Re: Help with my "Andrea" stories

Unread post by jessbaby »

That would be amazing, I looked through your other reviews and that kind of longer response would be great. For the published stories feel free to post here or on your thread the rreviews. When I'm more far along I may also take you up on your pm offer.

For now I think just getting some voices not my own on my past work might help with my new stuff. Do I go too deep into detail? Too little? Are there characters any good? Scenarios too predictable? What does and doesn't work? Anything would be appreciated from anyone, be as harsh as you feel is warranted!

subgrrl
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Joined: 01 Mar 2012, 14:56

Re: Help with my "Andrea" stories

Unread post by subgrrl »

Ok. But it may take a little while, because, you know, it's almost the Winter Solstice and there are lots of ingredients to dig up.

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DarkLizerd
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Joined: 01 Aug 2007, 15:41
Location: NE New Mexico

Re: Help with my "Andrea" stories

Unread post by DarkLizerd »

Short easy answer....
Keep the action going, keep the story going somewhere...
If you let the story get boged down in the details, you wind up with something
like a few of mine... 3 pages to describe, in full detail, what would only take
a few minutes (or seconds) to happen...
All advice is checked, re-checked and verified to be questionable...
Don't ask, we both wont understand the answer...
http://www.mediafire.com/download/09dtr ... e_V2_2.exe Not just for nubies any more...

subgrrl
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Joined: 01 Mar 2012, 14:56

Re: Help with my "Andrea" stories

Unread post by subgrrl »

Andrea’s Eventful Birthday

I enjoyed this story. Andrea is having her 18th birthday and her parents are out of town, so she has a special evening with her best friends using an advanced adult version of a futuristic high tech game called eDict based off the classic teen game, Truth or Dare. Instead of having the participants ask questions and make the dares, an overly personable AI controls the path the game takes. With the options selected, this edition of the game is going out into the weeds of fetish, bondage, and bi-curious sex.

This story falls well within the standard bondage trope where a victim is dominated by an AI. And, though the participants are stretched and dragged along, the tone is consensual. Everyone is having fun. The feel is very much the male fantasy female get-together where there is a pajama pillow fight and all the girls shower together (Note: neither of those scenes actually occur, but you know the feel…).

The interactions were well described and easy to visualize. They were pretty hot for those of us who prefer FF interactions (so, you know, woohoo!). There was a lot of first time exploration, tease and denial, bondage, objectification, sensory deprivation, exhibition, humiliation, and forced orgasms as each of the four characters had limits pushed. The characters were mostly well differentiated. Only Andrea and Megan seem to be particularly similar, but, as Andrea is the main character, the reader is able to remember which is which. While differentiated, the characters are not really deeply drawn. They seem to be propped upon some standard character-types: sporty, nerdy, and two girls-next-door.

The characters’ ascent towards sensuality is well drawn. The pace is shockingly quick, but that’s OK, given the subject matter and forum. There is a sense of jeopardy that pulls the reader along through the text - always wondering how far will things go.

One of my favorite bits about this story is that the AI requires the victims to analyze their feelings about the things that they are going through. They are subjected to the humiliation of truthfully admitting their predilections to one another. The tactic acts as a tease that compels the reader to believe that these games will continue even after the AI has been put away.

There is also the tease of permanent, inescapable bondage in the story. Locks are magnetic and unopenable until the game decides. (Note: Often in bdsm tales, permanent bondage equates to a dark happy-ever-after.)

Overall, the story is a fun, little innocent sex romp.

I believe that the story could have been trimmed down a little. I don’t think that some of the scenes or sci-fi exposition were necessary. Astute readers will quickly understand the rules of the fantasy without an aside. Also, the four girls were described in one quick purging in the standard amateur bdsm story way (hair, height, boobs, and body fat). It would not be difficult to interlace these details into the telling of the tale.

Personally, I wonder about the fact that the AI is seemingly male. It feels (to me) like it says “Silly women! They are playing their innocent sex games, but it’s good that they have a male to guide them along the correct, submissive path.” I wonder how the story would have been different if the AI were female. I think that it would have pulled the rating of the story down considering the utopiastories readership.

subgrrl
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Posts: 30
Joined: 01 Mar 2012, 14:56

Re: Help with my "Andrea" stories

Unread post by subgrrl »

Andrea at the FetFair

Andrea and her friends hit the road to attend a weekend-long fetish fair in order to explore their newfound sexual perversities. Contractual obligations and experimental technologies make their stay a bit more extreme than they had initially anticipated.

First, I’d like to point out that this story got about the same rating as the first (Andrea’s Eventful Birthday). But, I notice that there are half the votes. I believe that there is a reason for that. The beginning of this story is horribly plodding. It’s a rough world out there in free amateur bondage fic, and if you can’t quickly rope in a reader, they are going to move on without a second look back. As evidence, I remember when this story came out. It rated high against all my high-tech, fetish-fic filters. It seemed like something that I would enjoy. I think that I started reading it twice (maybe three times) and barely made a dent. Even after I determined that I would review these stories, I put the story down (when they were off to shower) thinking that I could take no more. Luckily, after a short break, I soldiered on, because right after the shower scene things began to move.

Sure. The first scenes of the story are important to the way things evolve, but the teases were too subtle to really pull the reader along. It felt like the story was just going to meander through a variety of callus-inducing sex positions. (Note: the story doesn’t just meander, so read it, because I am about to discuss some spoilers.)

Spoilers:
OK. It was totally, completely obvious that the men that the girls met were evil. I was thinking that they work in sex trafficking. Maybe they do. However, I should note that I often hate all male characters. Sorry. I just happen to know that about me, and so, I do not put too much weight behind that sense. They could have been a lure to keep the reader moving forward. Maybe they were for some. But, the girls were so unquestioning of them that they just disgusted me. Perhaps the sex slave working as a waitress could have been a tease to pull the reader on. I assume that her appearance was meant to foreshadow. It didn’t really though. Actually, I do not know what I would have done to make the first part more compelling. Maybe introduce the technology earlier as a tease. Maybe Andrea could have experimented with a total-power-exchange “mentor”. Maybe there needs to be a different plot thread at the beginning to keep things moving. While the writing was fine, there was no real sense of erotic jeopardy.

All this is unfortunate, because now I’m really interested to see what happens next. The sense of jeopardy is quite high. Maybe they will encounter these chastity belts that need not be removed. Maybe they will be teased by their new implants to the point of mind control. And what about Lea? What did she purchase from the fetfair and how will the products be used against our heroines? And what was she doing during the weekend? I really do look forward to future installments. I am even more forgiving for meandering plot lines at this point. So, great job, but always push the jeopardy.

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