new doll - FetishBabe

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RE: new doll - FetishBabe

Unread postby FetishBabe » Mon Oct 17, 2005 3:59 am

Hi,

following some feedback from my "about me" post /forum_posts.asp?TID=36&P N=1&TPN=1

I have copied my request for feedback about my story (new Doll) http://fetish.pornparks.com/packaged/storieslr/new_doll1.htm l

Just wondered if anyone has any feedback on my New Doll story (3parts), either on the forum or if it's really bad and you don't want toflame me openly please PM me.

some feedback from previous:

Title: New Doll (parts 1-3)
By Fetishbabe
http://fetish.pornparks.com/packaged/storieslr/new_doll1.htm l

Length (all-together): Long

Review: I'm sure we've all had fantasies of becoming love dolls at onetime or another, becoming an object, a mere plaything for someone elseto use. This idea is explored rather well in the three part story "NewDoll."

The set-up is pretty typical. Unemployed, bottom of the ladderwoman gets hired by a sex company, only to eventually be abducted andforced into becoming a sex object. Does she resist, or does she enjoyher new job? You'll have to read the story to find out!

Overall, I though this story was well written, though there were afew moments where I was a little confused as to what was going on, mostnotably in the first part. It's not a huge issue, but it is noticableat some spots.

The second part of the story is easily my favorite. Thedescriptions of the oral and anal sex are quite evocotive in thierdescriptions, and the feelings are easy to pick up as well, especiallyregarding the suprised men who have thier fun on our main charachter.

I especially liked the ending of the story, which ties things up nicelyand leaves the reader with a nice aftertaste, so to speak. Verypleasant reading.

Recommended? Yes

Reviewed by Darkraptor1




Also:

Hi Fetishbabe,

I think New Doll is one of the best stories I've read for a long time, perhaps better than Gromet's own Cindy Lovedoll.

I guess one has to be into this kind of thing (which I am!) to like itat all, but it isn't just the subject that appeals to me. The story iswritten in an understated, way which makes it easy to suspenddisbelief. If only it really were possible!

Thank you for writing it, and by all means write some more.

Reviewed by femmetied

Thanks to femmetied and Darkraptor1 for writing for their kind feedback - and sorry for not thanking sooner - did you know the old forum went down for a short time!

FBFetishBabe38642.2142476852
FetishBabe
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RE: new doll - FetishBabe

Unread postby feline » Mon Oct 17, 2005 5:23 pm

if you really want me to have a re-read of this story andpost what i think then i am happy to do so.  just be warned that if i tryto be honest and helpful the resulting feedback can sound rather critical,since it is often easier to point to the weak points than it is to hold up thestrengths.

also be aware it could take me a little while to do so.  still i did readall three parts, which is more than i manage with a lot of stories, so that isquite an accomplishment in its self :)
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RE: new doll - FetishBabe

Unread postby FetishBabe » Tue Oct 18, 2005 5:58 am

Iam OK with constructive criticism, but as I said if you want to flame me –please PM it. Thechoice of review is of course for each individual, if it’s “great/cr*p story – recommended/notrecommended” type review, a detailed critique or of course not provide feedbackat all that’s OK. Justif anyone has read the stories, and wishes to provide feedback – perhaps itwill encourage me to write more, improve poor writing, or stop me wasting bandwidth/peoplestime with cr*p.

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RE: new doll - FetishBabe

Unread postby feline » Sat Oct 22, 2005 7:05 pm

this is going to be one of those stream of conciousness reviews that ido :)  now and then i manage to do a more complete overview reviewof a story, but right about now i can fit in a "this is what i amthinking" review as i re-read this story :)

my idea here is to setup a basis for discussing the story, rather than anything else.

part 1 - i am learning about the central lady, building up a clearimage of her.  this is a good start.  she obviously has selfimage issues, which is hardly a surprise in this day and age *sigh*

she is coming over as a nice, if somewhat innocent woman.  thelogic about the company having so much trouble getting staff seems oddto me, but then again, i am slightly broard minded ;) so i am not theperfect judge of this.

i am not keen on her "looking down her nose" view of people needing touse a sex doll, after all, she hardly seems to be fighting men off witha stick.  but to be fair this is how people are, so this is anaccurate description of her as a person.

i am a little over half way through part 1, and the writing does notquite flow.  i cannot really put my finger on it, but some of thesentences, the way the words join up...  it does not seem quitenatural.  this is a subtle thing, and you are doing quitewell.  in my experience it really comes down to practice andexperience, plus plenty of proof reading.

the sense of shock, of her seeing herself as a new woman, as a sexywoman for the first time is well done.  she is starting to get onmy nerves by now though, but from the point of view of a writer this isa good sign, because i am identifying with her.

she just seems like such an air head, why is she not behavingdifferently...  i am not sure what to suggest, but the sense of asilly little girl is quite strong, and it is rubbing me up the wrongway.  if this is good or not really depends on what you weretrying to achieve.


part 2 - she is all crated up and being moved, so far so good. however suddenly she is feeling alive, and is responding to the pain ofthe journey?!  where did that come from?  this seems out ofcharacter, and has suddenly appeared out of no where.  really thisneeded to be worked up to, rather than just being dropped on us likethis.

i am just left cold and distant from the news that she achieved severalorgasms during her journey.  this seems to odd, to remote, todisconnected.

following the blow job and the man discovering that she is alive -logical point, what is going on here?  the company have gone to alot of trouble, backing her into this corner, blackmailing her, doingmany illegial things in order to secure a real live love doll, so howcome the receipient seems to totally unprepared for this?

her reaction to being a love doll, and watching her being the confidentwoman with a nervious man makes sense if you are prepared to accept hertransformation into this love doll woman.

logical point - why is there no pain, cramps, or issue with her having been kept tied up in a difficult position for so long?

consider the end of part 2 when she returns to the factory, the initialreaction of the factory workers makes sense, they are concerned, theyknow just how much trouble they could be in over what they have justdone.  but then look how quickly Erica accepts and adjusts to ourwoman wanting to be a love doll.  this is just unreasonable givenwhat we have been told.  this would only make sense if she hassome history of wanting to be a sex toy.  such a history wouldalso help to explain why she responded so well to being treated likethis.

if her history was known it would explain a lot, and you can still havethe company black mail her like this by saying that they could not takethe risk of asking her, and then having her say no.


part 3 - LOL, her reaction at hearing she has already been put through the spray cleaning is very funny :)

again this moving to fast, after she has been sprayed she is told shehas a bar code and is about to be sent out again.  where is theback story, the history, the missing bits to support this speed ofaction, this speed of changing status, and this ready acceptance byeveryone else?

next logic point, she is sent out as a school girl to Anthony -realistically he must have ordered a plastic doll, yet he seems to justknow and accept that he has been delivered a real live woman in a box.

next logic point, when the son found the debt the sensible thing forErica to do would have been to go to the police, or to get an emergencyloan from a bank.  they are clearly a successful company, so theactions just do not make sense.  the son was clearly to young andinnocent to have had the buisness expertiese to put the company over abarrel and black mail them like this.

next logic point, she is kept in storage over night on a regularbasis?  how is this done so that it is safe and bareable? what about cramps?  presuming you have a solution for this, why doyou not make more of it?  the idea of packing her away at the endof the working day is a sexy and interesting idea that you should beable to make something of.

look at how part 3 ends, you have the death of her parents, carefullyworked out and explained, yet it seems to make no difference, it seemsto have no impact on her.

at the very least she could be throwing herself into her work to tryand hide from her grief, which would help to explain the extremesession she has just set herself up for.


hopefully this is useful to you.  i certainly dont consider this aflame, and frankly if people here go around flaming authors then theyprobably deserve to get banned from the forum!

in summary there is a lot of promise here, but you need to think morecarefully and fully about character development and the internal logicof your stories.
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RE: new doll - FetishBabe

Unread postby Guests » Tue Oct 25, 2005 9:41 am

Fetishbabe, I sat up late reading Part 1 of 'New Doll' If I read any more, I'd never get to sleep! It's rivetting. I got a bit lost in the middle, not sure of what was going on for a couple of moments. Sure there's a couple of bits that are a bit sticky- sorry it's too late at night for details. All in all though, it's the best thing I've read in a long time. I couldn't have stopped for anything.It's what's 'between the lines' that counts, if that makes sense.Stay tuned for my impression of parts 2 & 3. There had better be parts 2 & 3, or I'll be an unhappy chappy!Thanks from tojotojo38650.446400463
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