What does Dom and Sub really mean?

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napy666
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What does Dom and Sub really mean?

Unread post by napy666 »

I have heard of the dominate and submission terms before but what do they really mean? Like do they really mean that much in the bondage community or are they just words? My Boyfriend tells me this "i am glad i never showed you my Dom side you have not earned it". What did he mean?

Him and I did do some bondage sessions together where he did tie me up and gag me but I don't understand what he means by what he said.

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Chas Dicks-in
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Re: What does Dom and Sub really mean?

Unread post by Chas Dicks-in »

They have varying levels of meaning depending on the person. For some, they're used interchangeably with "top" and "bottom", which of course don't always literally mean being on top or being on bottom.

To me, their meaning is that the Dom will take control, and dominate, making all of the decisions, and the Sub will submit to the Dom and do whatever he/she wants to do. The level of how this is truly followed varies, as some people (me for example) switch, some people "top from the bottom,", meaning that although they're maybe tied up, they call all of the shots, and the top always has to ask permission. And some people go so far as to extend Domming and Subbing into their everyday lives, with one person telling the other what to wear, eat, etc.

Does that make sense?

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napy666
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Re: What does Dom and Sub really mean?

Unread post by napy666 »

Oh I see what you mean now. But isn't being Dom like what you said about telling the Sub what to wear, how to look etc. Sort of like controlling, obsessive, etc.

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Chas Dicks-in
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Re: What does Dom and Sub really mean?

Unread post by Chas Dicks-in »

For me, not at all. I personally feel like that dynamic is not how I'd like to have a relationship. However, there are people who have "bdsm" relationships, where the dom/sub relationship extends outside of bed. I think that mostly people just apply it in bed, and nowhere else. To me, even though it is sexy to roleplay that, I would feel like a sexist if I dated a woman and tried to control her like that. But that's just my answer.

robin_esperoza
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Re: What does Dom and Sub really mean?

Unread post by robin_esperoza »

I think it can be controlling what somebody wears, eats, drinks and the like can be labelled as controlling and obsessive. However I do not think this is intrinsically problematic. In some cases this kind of behaviour can be labelled as domestic abuse. However what we are talking about here are two people who share a mutual beneficial relationship. The sub is free of trivial choices and the responsibility, the dom gets an affectionate boy/girl if he takes good care.

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Switch_Cardinal
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Re: What does Dom and Sub really mean?

Unread post by Switch_Cardinal »

robin_esperoza wrote: In some cases this kind of behaviour can be labelled as domestic abuse.
In a true dom(me)/sub relationship, this would not be true. What makes makes this relationship more than abuse is consent. Even if it is a 24/7 deal, boundries have been set, and at any time the sub can choose to quit the role.

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Re: What does Dom and Sub really mean?

Unread post by robin_esperoza »

Switch_Cardinal wrote:
robin_esperoza wrote: In some cases this kind of behaviour can be labelled as domestic abuse.
In a true dom(me)/sub relationship, this would not be true. What makes makes this relationship more than abuse is consent. Even if it is a 24/7 deal, boundries have been set, and at any time the sub can choose to quit the role.
Sorry, should have included that. I added that the relationship was mutually beneficial but consent is just as (or more) important . I tried to emphasis that although some behaviour can be abusive in one setting they are not in others. A good dom/sub relationship is not. Sorry if I was misunderstood. ;)

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Switch_Cardinal
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Re: What does Dom and Sub really mean?

Unread post by Switch_Cardinal »

Its all good. I just wanted it to be clear for someone who is wanting to learn about it is all

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napy666
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Re: What does Dom and Sub really mean?

Unread post by napy666 »

So the whole terms for sub and dom don't have to be in effect in a relationship? My whole thing with bondage is that I just like playing that damsel in distress, who gets kidnapped, and then bound and gagged, thats what I liked. But my Boyfriend says, "Well you say you want to be submission and you want someone to be dominate right?"

Yes and no. Like I said I like the aspect of feeling helpless and being bound and gagged thats all that matters to me. I don't care for the labels, but I know they are a big thing in the bondage scene. What should I do?

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Franzia
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Re: What does Dom and Sub really mean?

Unread post by Franzia »

napy666 wrote: Like I said I like the aspect of feeling helpless and being bound and gagged thats all that matters to me. I don't care for the labels, but I know they are a big thing in the bondage scene. What should I do?
I'm not sure what you should do, but you've just described a 'bottom' interest in a top/bottom relationship. Nothing wrong with that. ;) It may overlap a little into Dominance/submission if there's kidnap roleplay, but submissive wouldn't be the ideal description of you if the main focus or priority is on bondage.

Labels can be useful up to a point in describing one's interest but the borders can be blurry- I don't think it's possible to precisely pigeonhole, catalogue and index everyone's interest.

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stephanie_cd
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Re: What does Dom and Sub really mean?

Unread post by stephanie_cd »

napy666 wrote:Like I said I like the aspect of feeling helpless and being bound and gagged thats all that matters to me. I don't care for the labels, but I know they are a big thing in the bondage scene. What should I do?
If you're not out in the "public scene," and/or playing at public kink parties, why should you care about the labels? ;)

As Franzia said, it's next to impossible to completely capture someone's interest with general labels, and sometimes in cases like this they can do more harm than good.

While I'm technically a "switch" I'm much more "submissive" than "Dom/me" -- and for me to really enjoy the dominant role I have to be in the right mood and circumstances, with the right person. At the same time, while I'm generally A submissive, that doesn't mean that I'm a doormat either -- just like most other subs I have a long list of kinky activities that I enjoy, but also a longer list of those that I don't!

A lot of inexperienced or "internet Doms" seem to confuse "submissive" (the noun) with "submissive" (the adjective) and think that "their" sub has to submit to anything and everything that they, the Dom, wants -- when nothing could be further from the truth. That's why there are hundreds of "kink and BDSM checklists" out there, and that's why negotiation, communication, and "hard and soft limits" are important in any BDSM relationship.

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napy666
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Re: What does Dom and Sub really mean?

Unread post by napy666 »

Oh I see what you mean. And yeah I don't care for labels, I just like what I like, being bound and gagged etc.

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