Sex and Bondage

[napy666]

I am a Virgin and while that is true, I do love bondage. But here's my problem. My Boyfriend dislikes that I am a Virgin and I am saving myself for marriage, he respects me and is willing to wait BUT yet he brought up that we have not had sex. So then he says well if I have to go without having sex, then you can go without having bondage. Since him and I have done bondage sessions.

To me, what he said makes sense, if I have to make him wait to have sex, why should I get my fun with bondage? Isn't it not fair? What to do?

[MsBehavin]

What he is asking is not fair. You made it clear early on in your relationship that you wish to wait until your wedding night before losing your virginity and he is putting pressure on you to change your mind on this. Only you can decide when the time is right and from your post's words that time is not yet now. I'm sure he has a lot of lovely qualities but the "You won't give me what I want so I'm not going to give you what you want" boils down to emotional blackmail.

I would tell him to stop being a dick about it.

I wonder, given his ultimatum, if he really is as into bondage as he makes out. Some folk aren't (strange people ) and will go through the motions because they want to please their partner. Sadly over time this willingness to please dissipates and bondage play becomes less and less. If that's the case then better he tells you now. If he is truly into bondage then he really IS being a dick about withholding play because you won't have sex with him.

[Stahlketten]

Napy666,

Being a female that is into bondage makes you very VERY much in demand unless you have some kind of repulsive personality and even then, there would be enough men willing to tolerate it for the kink.
Now if you were naturally a dominant, you would be the most rare player in the game.

I have to agree with MsBehavin that your boyfriend is probably not really into bondage and only plays for your sake or to get something out of you. If he really were into it, the lack of sex would not slow him down much. He is just trying to pressure you into having sex.

He also doesn't hate that you are a virgin. What he hates is that you refuse to have sex with him.
Men that are into bondage are so common that finding a bondage partner is easy. The biggest issue would be finding a trustworthy bondage playmate.

- Stahlketten

[d3vious.g3nius]

"Emotional blackmail", sounds kinda hawt to me sheeesh, I wonder about you people(strange)!

[napy666]

He has told me before, that he only does bondage to please me and make me happy. But I don't want him to do that if he doesn't like it. I want him to be into it and like it too. Another time he says he does like bondage and he does like doing it but then again he says this about sex. As it turns out, he was referring to how guys, show their emotions by having sex, or they can't show their emotions I didn't really understand it. He says if we have sex, we will have a deeper connection and share emotions and I will be his type of thing, I don't know how to explain it, like I said, I didn't quite understand what he was saying.

[stephanie_cd]

I'll agree with everybody else -- this sounds like "emotional blackmail" and it sounds like he's pressuring you to have sex.

"I'm doing this bondage stuff for you, so why won't you do this other thing for ME?"

It sounds like a LONG talk is somewhat overdue.

[napy666]

Him and I did talk, and he says he respects me and wants to wait until marriage to have sex. And he is fine with doing bondage after all.

[stephanie_cd]

Glad to hear that you were able to come to an agreement -- hopefully he won't bring it up again!

[napy666]

Well he brought up the whole sex thing about. How he says bondage is sex, and since I have sex in this form then why can't I have sex the regular intercourse sex way. Its called, me myself, I do not want to have sex until marriage because I want to wait. But he keeps going on about sex and how well if me or any other female is fingered or plays with a vibrator then that is sex, bondage is sex, so why not have sex? It really hurts my feelings when he comes at me and says this stuff. I have told him countless times, if he wants sex he can find it with someone else. But yet he says he doesn't care if he has sex or doesn't have sex. But yet I know it bothers him that he isn't having sex. I just don't know what to do.

[kinkstuff]

The poor guy.... your probably giving him a hard-on each time you guys do bondage sesh together. I dont understand, doesn't those bondage sessions turn you on? Nobody in this world waits for marriage to have sex. Unless you have arrived from the past in a time machine or are a hardcore religious person... if thats the case then really, you wouldn't be that much into bondage IMHO

[napy666]

Bondage does turn me on but I guess being a Virgin and loving bondage isn't the right thing to do.

[Chas Dicks-in]

They aren't mutually exclusive! Just because you have a taste for bondage does not mean that you have to want premarital sex!

[napy666]

They aren't mutually exclusive! Just because you have a taste for bondage does not mean that you have to want premarital sex!

I know.

[kinkstuff]

I didn't mean to be nasty, sorry if it turned out like that. What I was trying to get at is, see it from his point of view. I am female, but I kinda understand levels of male testosterone go a bit wild more than female hormones..... he probably constantly asks you because its natural that a guy is eager to have sex after doing a bit of bondage play. Its even a bit like me.... vanilla sex is rather boring, he probably thinks that fingering/milking is not as exciting as having sex and most likely he is hanging out to have proper sex!... so I don't understand why you dont just go for it!! Have you asked him how he feels? Communication and understanding is the key.

[kinkstuff]

And I dont see it as emotional blackmail. If the tables have turned around, and you are the one who is giving him the things he wants more than you do... you are going to want something in return, am I right? So no, it is not emotional blackmail like everyone's making out that it is. If that is called emotional blackmail, then we all do emotional blackmail. Talk to him. See how he feels....

[Stahlketten]

Bondage does turn me on but I guess being a Virgin and loving bondage isn't the right thing to do.

There is really nothing wrong with your preferences. If he can't accept your decision there without constantly trying to pressure you to give in, I would say this is a pretty good indication of how other differences of opinion will go in the future and I would simply dump him and find someone else.
Males into bondage are about the most common thing around. Females into bondage and who are willing to play are quite uncommon and pretty much have their choice of partners in my opinion.
If he is willing to hang around and make THE commitment, he will get sex, but not before.
...but it sounds to me that if that is how disagreements are going before marriage then there is not much hope things will improve with marriage.

There are plenty of sexual teasing and other games a couple can play while one is in bondage. A former girlfriend and I tested out a lot of those ideas after we both agreed to no pre-marital intercourse. I can't say "most of those ideas" because I doubt that we even came close to thinking of all the things a couple can do with those restrictions. I can tell you from a male point of view that I was quite happy with what we were doing at the time.

- Stahlketten

[napy666]

Yeah, just have to wait and see what happens. I am hoping he can really accept and just wait it out for me.

[tiemeupalso]

give selfbondage a try.you can use him for a safety release in case you get stuck.

[the_bondage_guy]

Yeah, just have to wait and see what happens. I am hoping he can really accept and just wait it out for me.

I think if he really loved you he could wait it out...

[tightknots63]

It's difficult to imagine, not being sexually involved with someone with whom you share bondage sessions. In my mind, they go hand-in-hand, and the bondage is simply one of many ways to enhance/heighten the sexual experience; and hopefully, that person with whom you are engaging with, in bondage, is someone you love and actually want to invest your time and your heart with, and he, with you. It's not just entertainment, but an extremely bonding experience, with that person. Bondage is an extremely intimate thing, and requires a lot of trust, on both parts, and definitely open communication, and there has to be a mutual understanding of what the limits/expectations are, and the lines should not be crossed - ever.

I also believe that it makes no sense to spend the rest of your life with someone, and not know, for sure, whether or not you are sexually. intellectually, and yes, spiritually compatible, then have to be stuck with that person, exclusively, for the rest of your life, because you didn't take the trouble to find out, beyond a reasonable doubt, by living with that person, for at least a year, first. That's when you begin to truly know someone - warts and all. You can date a person, five days a week; but you simply will not truly know them until you live under the same roof. Of course, that's my opinion, and opinions vary greatly. I think it's idealistic to believe that everything will just magically fall into place, once you marry someone.

I wish you the best of luck with this man, and I hope he loves you enough to be open with you about his true feelings, sexual, and otherwise, and I hope you can come to an understanding about works for both of you, rather than holding..or withholding things from you, just to get his "happy ending". That sounds like very passive-aggressive behavior, and you deserve better.

That's just my opinion, for what it's worth.