Pain, pleasure, sex and politically corectness

[FatherOfFour]

Hi,
I'm only a couple of years "old" (in kink), almost half century else, and I have two questions:
Why I enjoy pain, self-bondage, and, while realizing how great would be to mix sex into it, I end up without "happy ending"? If my wife would be into kink, I would certainly enjoy sex and bondage, but by myself I find it hard to finish a scene in climax... And I tried...
I know that there are people in bdsm only for the kink, and not for sex, but I _know_ I'd enjoy both! I just cannot step over my christian raising, or education, or love for my wife...

The second question might be politically incorrect (and I apologize beforehand):
I am slightly homophobic! I know it and I admit it! Now, with my late bloom into kink, I'd like to try some CD, maybe anal play... at least to find if I'm into it or not, but I cannot "convince" myself to try - I'm too closed-minded! Every time I bring this subject up (to myself), I remember all our cultural references and name-calling from sub-culture, and there's a plethora!...
What should I do? I lived 40 years in a black and white world, and now discovered not 50 shades... but a full rainbow world!

Thanks in advance for Your understanding,
Have fun, always learn,
f4

[atryingpet]

Hi,

While I'm not entirely sure how to help I wanted to thank you. I've never heard anyone admit to being homophobic before, or to say they've discovered a "full rainbow world!"

That is awesome. You are awesome. Hopefully someone else will have actual advice for you, but I just wanted to say thanks for your honesty and new found acceptance/interest.

[FatherOfFour]

I thank You, atryingpet,
and I thank all our colleagues here, that revealed this world to me...

Have fun, keep learning,
f4

[d3vious.g3nius]

Hey FatherOfFour,

Let me see if I understand this, in a more concise manner: 1)You'd like to know how to achieve climax while in a solo BDSM styled activity and 2)Explore cross dressing/anal play without "being" gay, to put it bluntly? Both which seems to be hindered, wholly or in part, by your "Christian raising, education, and love for your wife"?

Is that correct?

All the best,
- d.g

[tiemeupalso]

let me see if i can help.mind you this is just my feelings.
1.being gay or straight has nothing to do with sex.if has to do with who a person is attracted to emotionally.
2fact.most crossdressers are either straight or bi.
3trying anal does NOT make you gay.its just another form of pleasure.
all of this is ust my opinion,but i believe it to be correct.

[FatherOfFour]

Thank You all for replies, I'm starving for knowledge here...
Sorry if I scrambled the meaning of words an phrases, English is not my native language...

I'll try to explain myself more thoroughly without offending reader's intelligence:
1) I try to understand from those who practice kink (be it SB, BDSM, CD or else...),
- who have spent more years into it and have gained that kind of experience that only a lifetime could give
- who kept this lifestyle a secret towards their vanilla spouse, and managed to do it without repercussions for decades,
- who are eventually monogamous - so used to channel their entire love/lust towards one person - how did they "split" between their beloved spouse and their love for kink (not for another person...)?
- how are they dealing with the guilt (similar with the guilt when cheating) of "making love" (i.e. masturbating/vibrating/e-stim-ing/...) outside relation?
- how do they feel after it, because I never felt in bondage what I felt with my wife... And I'm sure it would be better even if combined, but my wife would never go the whole nine yards...

and
2) I hope I'm not the only one with that uprising... I thought it's fairly common in both old and new worlds...
In almost forty years of sex I've had my share of reading, watching and experimenting.
However, I'm here after a full vanilla life: never went to a gang-bang, never sex with a stranger (civil or working girl), never one night stands, never did anal to someone... never even jerk in a circle!
It should be obvious that I _know_ in my reason to distinguish the nuances of sex, but I also know that, like the virgin, You can't just "try": once You stick it in (whatever is "it") You're no more virgin anymore...
And also, before others might write it, Yes, I might find out I like it, or that I am gay!
(sometimes the ~phobia disguise the inclination)
If so, I'll _have_to_ be OK with it, but from what I've read, I'll need a lot of help...

Thank You again,
Have fun, discover thyself
f4

[angel_uk]

I'm sure we'll provide whatever help we can, given the limitations of the internet. At least you know you can come here to ask questions without getting judged for it.

As mentioned above, crossdressers (can we please not muddy the waters with a terminology debate at the moment :-) ) have a similar distribution of sexuality as those who don't, and anal stimulation doesn't necessarily have to indicate any attraction to somebody of the same gender.

Consider this, in case it helps:
If you're curious about anal play, and were to include it in a fantasy, would that fantasy involve somebody else, and if so would that person be male or female?

And from the purple part of the rainbow, I'd like to say thank you for admitting to the homophobia; that shows a positive attitude toward the rest of us, and to me says that you're trying to open up your mind a bit, which is brilliant.

[Hertoy]

Based on my own experiences, one needs to let go of whom you thought you were & then accept and embrace the person you really are.

As far as the sex / orgasm while engaged in BD/SM activities take baby steps. Think of it as "reprogramming" your body. Since you like crossdressing I'd suggest masturbating while crossdressed. Then try adding a small vibrating buttplug, or some restraints. I'd suggest saving the e-stim until you're comfortable enough to relax and can orgasm regularly while crossdressed and in restraints AND not feeling guilty about it. OR try using the pain aspect to relieve some of the guilt.

That's what draws many with suppressed feelings on crossdressing into the S&M world.

Embrace your dark side, experiment and become comfortable with the person you really are.
Once you've dome that, then its time to find balance.

Straight, gay or just kinky I wish you the best on this journey of self discovery.

[RAE123]

Wearing woman's clothes, Cross Dressing, does not make you Gay.
I have dabbled in cross dressing since a child. I love being with a woman,
have no desires of engaging anything sexual with a man.
Wearing a tight corset, is like a way of bondage you can walk around in.
Try it some time, you just might like it.
Rae

[FatherOfFour]

Thank You again, I'm glad I had the courage to open up: You are more than supportive!

Yes, I'm on a journey of experiments, and I hope to use all Your experience and guidance...

Thank You again
(I'm in a hurry to run some errands)

Have fun, teach others (me...)
f4

[RAE123]

F of 4;
Now before you go out and run errands, put on some panties, a bra, maybe some pantie-hose,
under your regular male clothes.
This is called "Under dressing"
Now if you do it correctly, no one will ever know what you are wearing; However
you will be aware of it and it will haunt you in a sneaky way.
I bet you will have a great time, better than going out to the store wearing hand cuffs.
Rae

[snego79]

Hi,
I'm only a couple of years "old" (in kink), almost half century else, and I have two questions:
Why I enjoy pain, self-bondage, and, while realizing how great would be to mix sex into it, I end up without "happy ending"? If my wife would be into kink, I would certainly enjoy sex and bondage, but by myself I find it hard to finish a scene in climax... And I tried...
I know that there are people in bdsm only for the kink, and not for sex, but I _know_ I'd enjoy both! I just cannot step over my christian raising, or education, or love for my wife...

The second question might be politically incorrect (and I apologize beforehand):
I am slightly homophobic! I know it and I admit it! Now, with my late bloom into kink, I'd like to try some CD, maybe anal play... at least to find if I'm into it or not, but I cannot "convince" myself to try - I'm too closed-minded! Every time I bring this subject up (to myself), I remember all our cultural references and name-calling from sub-culture, and there's a plethora!...
What should I do? I lived 40 years in a black and white world, and now discovered not 50 shades... but a full rainbow world!

Thanks in advance for Your understanding,
Have fun, always learn,
f4

Interesting topics .. nice handled so far .. But at some time you should perhaps look a bit more over the edge to what exists in life .. Not saying you should actively partake in sexual activities but a bit everything a bit narrow and a more open mind .. The only way you will find out if you have a kink or a real homophobe...

[FatherOfFour]

Well, Thank You snego,
I feel I have to report on my evolution:
- Yet no CD - I like the feeling of silk garments, I don't like the hairy monkey with the Flinstone beard from the mirror...
- Also no anal play... But (pun intended) during some ointment application, tried with my finger: It could get interesting, but it _has_ to be sex-related, and I do it only with my wife...
- Pain - plenty of it, mainly from ropes and/or nipple clamps - and it's the best foreplay for making love with my wife...
- No bdsm orgasms - I don't like it alone, I do it with my pure vanilla wife...

My sessions are longer when "home alone", or short bursts of pain, while working night, followed by hard love with my wife, who is happy by the new romance in our lives...

Have fun, I do...
f4

[Franzia]

- Yet no CD - I like the feeling of silk garments, I don't like the hairy monkey with the Flinstone beard from the mirror...

If that's the only thing stopping you from exploring CD further: just hide or cover the mirror. You don't have to be passable if you are focusing on the feeling rather than appearance.
.

[snego79]

Well, Thank You snego,
I feel I have to report on my evolution:
- Yet no CD - I like the feeling of silk garments, I don't like the hairy monkey with the Flinstone beard from the mirror...
- Also no anal play... But (pun intended) during some ointment application, tried with my finger: It could get interesting, but it _has_ to be sex-related, and I do it only with my wife...
- Pain - plenty of it, mainly from ropes and/or nipple clamps - and it's the best foreplay for making love with my wife...
- No bdsm orgasms - I don't like it alone, I do it with my pure vanilla wife...

My sessions are longer when "home alone", or short bursts of pain, while working night, followed by hard love with my wife, who is happy by the new romance in our lives...

Have fun, I do...
f4

No problem Fatheroffour. sounds like everything will be okay !