Renewal of a Dormant M/s relationship

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Renewal of a Dormant M/s relationship

Unread postby Ass_Whiplash » Wed Jul 25, 2018 5:56 pm

Maybe this is kind of random, but I just feel like I want to write it out somewhere and this felt like a good place.

Some on this forum may remember me from some years ago (circa 2007 and for a few more years I was very active on this forum). I started out alone, then found a Master and then shortly thereafter started a long-term relationship with a Mistress (within a year I was collared formally, and four years ago we married). We had a thriving Mistress/slave dynamic at home and integrated into virtually every facet of our lives, as well as being very active in our local kink community, attending munches and parties regularly.

I guess you could say that a few years ago the honeymoon period, as long as it had lasted, started to fade. Mistress had some health issues that became very serious, and even maintaining basic D/s protocol, to say nothing of physical play, seemed to become a chore rather than something natural and enjoyable. In some ways I had to "take over" just to keep things running, and over a long term, that really eroded my concept of our positions in the relationship as Mistress and slave, and my submission suffered and diminished.

For about the last three years, we've had a decent vanilla relationship - we were happy, played games, watched TV, puttered in our garden, and so on. We still fondly remembered and reminisced about our kinkier past, but never quite seemed to be able to move back towards that dynamic of Dominance and submission that was always the foundation of the relationship. Neither of us was satisfied, really, but neither of us had the drive or the energy to do anything constructive about it. There were some fights, and some questioning of just what our relationship had become - She would try to assert some dominance, or I would want to engage in some play, but almost never were we in sync and we began to wonder if we should just drop the pretense of M/s. Frustratingly, attempts to discuss and explore these feelings usually ended up guilt-ridden and shut down before they really started, and we would settle back into our vanilla lifestyle with nothing changed.

We had another such fight last night. But instead of it just shutting down before it got anywhere, we talked. We talked and argued and expressed what we each want, and why. There were emotions and tears and frustrations and communication. And we decided to begin putting real effort into re-integrating M/s and kink back into our lives.

I posted recently in the chastity section about starting to be locked up again - that is going to be part of it, and in a way it is part of what spurred last night's discussion, because we realized that the main thing that was lacking from both of us was engagement. I love being locked up in chastity and how the denial makes me feel, but after the novelty wears off, I need to know that there's a purpose to it, that She actually remembers and cares and enjoys the power that I have given up to Her. She needs to know that I am locked not out of selfish desire to satisfy my chastity fetish, but as an element of submission, a mechanism for me to give Her power over that intimate part of myself.

It's the difference between doing the dishes because the house needs cleaning, and doing the dishes because Mistress has established a protocol and routine for me to follow that includes daily tasks, inspections, and correction for insufficient performance. Knowing She is engaged on that level, and engaging myself on that level, changes a chore like doing dishes from a mundane vanilla task to part of a larger M/s framework, and help to make it fulfilling.

I do expect to fall short sometimes, and I do expect to be corrected in a manner of Her choosing. And, I do hope and expect that there will be an S/M component to such punishments/corrections at least some of the time. This is, always has been, and always will be, a BDSM M/s focused relationship, and NOT a vanilla one.

We've ironed out what essentially amounts to a new Mistress/slave contract - the basic framework of routines and protocols and rules that transforms it from a vague, contradictory "slave will do whatever Mistress says" to specifically outlining the expectations of what that means. From codifying how chastity lockups are going to work, to my dress code around the house, to limiting my cell phone/internet use, we now have something we explicitly agreed to, so if She says I'm not doing very well, it doesn't have to remain that frustratingly vague, She can tell me exactly where I need to improve. She's got a not pad and, if I perform insufficiently, She'll mark it down. We plan to have regular (probably weekly) discussions of what is working and what is not, where we're succeeding and where we're failing, so the rules we have some up with will be subject to change and growth.

For the first time in a long time, I feel hope, and excitement, that we can regain what I'd feared we'd lost forever, and return to our true selves - Her my Mistress, and me Her slave.
Male slave in Victoria, BC - collared, in chastity, and married to my Magnificent Mistress.
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Re: Renewal of a Dormant M/s relationship

Unread postby angel_uk » Thu Jul 26, 2018 6:39 am

I remember reading your first steps together with a bit of envy :). So I very much hope you can get back to those original feelings together and wish you good luck on your next steps.
Just goes to show how important it is to communicate properly when things aren't quite working.

I also hope your Mistress will let you keep us informed how it's going :)
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Re: Renewal of a Dormant M/s relationship

Unread postby Ass_Whiplash » Thu Jul 26, 2018 5:05 pm

Thank you for the kind thoughts and words. I know I made it sound dark, and maybe it was, for some time, but I feel we've definitely turned a corner to head in the right direction now.

The thing that has kept us together is that we truly do love each other in every way, vanilla and kink. I laid it bare to Mistress that I can not exist without some form of kink in my life, at least not forever. She said I've seemed depressed, and I clarified that I had basically been in mourning for what we had lost, and I think that really put it in perspective.

I'm happy to say that She seems to be really stepping up - and I'm also doing my best to rise to the challenge. I haven't seen this kind of assertiveness in a long time. The temptation for both of us is to try to go too big, too fast, when in reality we have to approach this almost the same as if we were starting a new relationship together - neither of us is the exact same person we were 5 or 10 years ago, so trying to jump straight back to how things were then (and probably a rose-tinted version of it at that) is not likely to go well.

So we're rebuilding our protocols and routines, bit by bit, with planned weekly discussions of what's working and what's not (these will be the times when She and I are 100% free to express anything, complain, and so on) until we hammer out what will work best and keep us both feeling happy and fulfilled.
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Re: Renewal of a Dormant M/s relationship

Unread postby One Pivot » Sun Oct 21, 2018 4:50 pm

My sub and I are recently getting back into kink as well.

I guess life just happens. We've been aggressively advancing our careers, we have a kiddo with a fairly serious medical condition, and a million reasons to just come home exhausted and do nothing.

But we're changing that, and it's been so enjoyable! Life happens and that's ok, but I'm trying to keep it fun when we can.
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