Life Changes

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Life Changes

Unread postby Tesgri » Fri Jun 19, 2020 8:14 am

The wife and I have been together going on nine years and when we first met at a BDSM event it was with her as a domme and me a shy wallflower with a love of rope. When we started dating it was lots of fun, I got to teach her rope, she got to use it on me. But somewhere along the line things mellowed out, we slowed down. Nothing wrong with that at all, I have enjoy my life with her but now things are changing again.

We've been discussing changing things up in the vein of reigniting the D/s dynamic and I find myself at a bit of a lose. I've done role play, and scene based stuff, I've written stories and created characters that fit the bill. But I myself have never actually been a submissive for more than just an hour or so at a time and I find myself concerned that I don't know what I'm getting in to.

After nearly nine years together, and being in my early thirties, I'm well established in daily routines, hobbies, likes etc. I enjoy gaming, and writing and generally spending my time in my own fashion. Of course we do stuff together all the time but if I'm to be her submissive well and truly how do I change, how do I let go of this feeling like I'm sacrificing my desires to satisfy hers? I know it's not the case, I know there will be a balance found and I know that if the lines are drawn in a way I'm not comfortable with then we can change them. So why then am I so worried?

I guess my question is, to those of you who are in a D/s relationship how did you do it? How did you get over the worries? Or am I just weird?

I know at some point I'll have to talk to her about this, and I will, I just wanted some feedback from others first as I try to get my thoughts in order. I like the idea, I've been a submissive/bottom my whole life but looking through the window is easy, stepping through the door is another matter.
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Re: Life Changes

Unread postby lotharj » Fri Jun 19, 2020 4:10 pm

Great questions!

I don't believe my partner and I have or will ever find the perfect D/s life but I'd say we are extremely happy being with each other still. We started this journey about 10 years ago with bondage being a foreplay thing and now to almost fulltime.

My spouse likes control, and I like to be controlled (sortof). I think a classic philosophy is that the submissive is always in control, whether they realize or not, in a consensual relationship. I always have the ability to safe word out of certain things, and there is always opportunities to end this entirely if desired.

Any major changes will cause some conflict and the best way to handle conflict is to preemptively discuss those things before they happen.

We started off by finding and using a sexual/kink preference survey. Essentially asks each partner what things they like, willing to try, tolerate, or dislike. The one we used was very comprehensive with over 300 kinks/behaviors/sex acts. Initially we discussed this for hours and now reevaluate on a yearly basis or so.

Next we discussed certain rules together using the survey as a basis. Examples like, no restraints visible in highly public places (car ok), when I arrive home I put collar and leather cuffs on, only speak when spoken to with any restraint locked on, how long I can be left alone, different levels of safe words, how often I'm edged while restrained, sleeping restraints, chores, etiquette, who is included in our lifestyle, etc.

Then we discussed "time budgeting". How much time I get to do "my stuff", spouses stuff, free play etc. Not hard and fast rules, but certainly guidelines. It allows me to have time to do my things but gives my spouse the ability to have a feeling of control even in that. If I'm painting, after certain amount of hours I will suddenly get pulled away to serve my spouse without any sense of guilt on either side. Even if I'm doing something on my time in a safe area, I'm still restrained in some way which is still wonderful for me, and allows my partner to still feel in control.

The biggest aha moment was about halfway through our journey I built up enough courage to be open completely about something fundamental for both of us. At least for us, Bondage and D/s has a primal connection with sex. We needed to discuss our need to either have intercourse or edge each other often during our D/s lifestyle (either every 1-2 hours for me while restrained). Without out it, for me at least, serving my spouse looses interest quickly and breeds resentment.

Hope this helps some and look forward to hearing and learning about your path as well!
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Re: Life Changes

Unread postby gaby0001 » Sat Jun 20, 2020 6:10 pm

This is a situation that all couples experience. Both have their own particular tastes and both must find ways to respect each other's tastes. It may sound easier said than done, but talking about it you will always find a way to fix the situation without either party imposing on the other. That's going to be a problem sooner or later.
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