Feeling like I’ll never have a domme or even a vanilla girlfriend

[DarkEmperor555]

Hey, guys. I hope I’m not getting you down, but this is a really difficult topic for me that I have no one to talk to about in real life. As the title implies, I’m not sure I’ll ever have a domme or even a vanilla girlfriend for a lot of reasons.

First, there’s the fact that my kinks are pretty rare. BDSM is a common kink, but the vast majority of the women who are into prefer to be submissive. Dominant women are a rarity, and they have the luxury of being extremely picky as a result of that. Furthermore, most straight women prefer “manly” men, which means they won’t like my crossdressing kink either. My weirdest kink is ABDL. The vast majority of ABDLs are male, and most of the few women who are into it would much rather be little girls than mommies.

I believe my best chance is probably to date an open-minded vanilla woman and introduce her to my kinks when the time is right, as there’s probably more women out there who are open to kinks than women who are already into my kinks. However, the problem with this approach is that I can’t even get a vanilla girlfriend. I’m absolutely terrible at talking to women, and my conversations with them never last long because I have no idea what to talk about. In the past, I’ve made some really dumb mistakes that have scared at least one woman away from me.

I’ve wanted a girlfriend since I was 11 years old, an ABDL mommy since I was 13, and a BDSM mistress since I was 22. I’m 26 now, and I’m no closer to getting any of those kind of relationships now than I was when I first started trying. I’ve never had a serious relationship, never had sex, and never even kissed a woman. I’m legitimately worried that I’ll be a 100 year old virgin someday, and this has caused me an immense amount of sadness, frustration, and jealousy.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I have no one to talk to about this stuff in real life, and it helps to have communities like these to reach out to.

[boundBinder]

All I can tell you is to be patient, and keep looking. I've had my kink used to hurt me on numerous occasions in the past, and even once ended up with a woman that told me she liked it just to get her hooks into me. It took me many years to find my beloved, and it is wonderful. You might have to take some emotional bumps and bruises along the way, but hopefully, you will find what you are looking for. Hang in there. We're all rooting for you.

[ruru67]

Well, all I can say is that you need to put yourself out there, in real life. Join FetLife, and use it to find out about local events, munches and so-on. Turn up. Talk to people - as people, not potential partners.

The whole patriarchal "men have power over women" thing works hard against submissive men. It's true that a submissive woman putting up a personal will get a crowd of (mostly terrible) men offering everything they want (and usually failing), but it generally doesn't work the other way around.

Dominant, kinky women have plenty of male subs throwing themselves at their feet, so don't be just another one of those. The sorts of people who are looking to date / dominate someone like you aren't looking to be pursued; they're looking for people who are interesting to them, are are prepared for the kind of commitment that entails. And they're probably not going to be looking for them online - it's just too much work winnowing out the ones who can't commit, or say they will do anything but really won't. It's just easier to get the measure of a person face to face.

Honesty goes a long way. It's much better to agree up front that what you're offering is not what a potential partner is looking for than it is to say you're up for what they want to do, and then disappoint when you or they find out you're really not. It's OK to not be experienced; some dominants like playing with inexperienced people, but only if they have the guts to be completely honest about what they can, can't, will, or won't do.

Oh, there's no such thing as "up for anything" or having "no limits"; what those phrases mean to an experienced kinkster is that you have no experience, no real idea of what you want, no clue as to when to stop, and want your partner to figure out all that stuff for you.

Be prepared to play the long game. Turn up to events, get to know people. Offer to help with running events, or even host your own parties if you can. Basically, make an effort, and make yourself worth pursuing. You can't do this online, you need to put yourself out there in person.

[DarkEmperor555]

Well, all I can say is that you need to put yourself out there, in real life. Join FetLife, and use it to find out about local events, munches and so-on. Turn up. Talk to people - as people, not potential partners.

The whole patriarchal "men have power over women" thing works hard against submissive men. It's true that a submissive woman putting up a personal will get a crowd of (mostly terrible) men offering everything they want (and usually failing), but it generally doesn't work the other way around.

Dominant, kinky women have plenty of male subs throwing themselves at their feet, so don't be just another one of those. The sorts of people who are looking to date / dominate someone like you aren't looking to be pursued; they're looking for people who are interesting to them, are are prepared for the kind of commitment that entails. And they're probably not going to be looking for them online - it's just too much work winnowing out the ones who can't commit, or say they will do anything but really won't. It's just easier to get the measure of a person face to face.

Honesty goes a long way. It's much better to agree up front that what you're offering is not what a potential partner is looking for than it is to say you're up for what they want to do, and then disappoint when you or they find out you're really not. It's OK to not be experienced; some dominants like playing with inexperienced people, but only if they have the guts to be completely honest about what they can, can't, will, or won't do.

Oh, there's no such thing as "up for anything" or having "no limits"; what those phrases mean to an experienced kinkster is that you have no experience, no real idea of what you want, no clue as to when to stop, and want your partner to figure out all that stuff for you.

Be prepared to play the long game. Turn up to events, get to know people. Offer to help with running events, or even host your own parties if you can. Basically, make an effort, and make yourself worth pursuing. You can't do this online, you need to put yourself out there in person.

I've tried going to local kink events, but most people at them are 40+ year old men. What can I do about that, if anything?

I've also made an effort to go to more non-kinky social events, as I'm more likely to meet younger women at those kinds of events, but I don't seem to be making any romantic progress whatsoever. I've never been very good at talking to women. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I'll keep trying, but it doesn't look good.

All I can tell you is to be patient, and keep looking. I've had my kink used to hurt me on numerous occasions in the past, and even once ended up with a woman that told me she liked it just to get her hooks into me. It took me many years to find my beloved, and it is wonderful. You might have to take some emotional bumps and bruises along the way, but hopefully, you will find what you are looking for. Hang in there. We're all rooting for you.

Thanks for this. A bit of encouragement always helps. It helps just to know that someone cares. I've reached out for emotional support on this issue on other websites, and a lot of people just got mad and tore me multiple new ones instead of being supportive. I'm glad there are supportive people on this site.

[ruru67]

[quote=DarkEmperor555 post_id=921356 time=1716096896 user_id=83807
I've tried going to local kink events, but most people at them are 40+ year old men. What can I do about that, if anything?
[/quote]
Most? Or all? Doesn't sound like the events you are going to represent a particularly healthy scene. Maybe try going to different events - be prepared to travel some distance. I run a local munch, and while there are generally more men than women, there's no real "mostly" about the demographics.

I've also made an effort to go to more non-kinky social events, as I'm more likely to meet younger women at those kinds of events, but I don't seem to be making any romantic progress whatsoever. I've never been very good at talking to women. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I'll keep trying, but it doesn't look good.

I don't know you, so I can't tell you how you're coming across in person. How you're coming across here is a bit desperate, and I'm going to guess there's a bit of neurodiversity going on here too, That makes things difficult -- I'm neurodiverse too, I know how it feels. I'm also a bit older, and don't have the same problems fitting in that I used to. And that comes from realising that "fitting in" for ND folk is something you have to learn; it doesn't just come naturally as for neurotypicals.

Seeking "romance" when you haven't mastered basic social skills is pointless; ND people trying too hard is actually quite off-putting. Romance isn't something you "seek"; it happens when the conditions are right.

The biggest thing is to build confidence. Don't be embarrassed about who you are; your failures don't define you, they provide opportunities to learn. They're not something to whine about.

And positive people are way more attractive than negative ones, People whose only conversations are about what's wrong with their lives find those conversations are very one sided and/or end quickly. If you don't have something interesting to talk about, let them introduce an interesting subject.

And those 40+ men - talk to them too. If you're just leaping on the young females you're going to marked out as a creep pretty quickly. Be seen talking to everyone. And hey, these folk have experience, take it as an opportunity to learn about stuff, as well as building your social skills.

When you realise that having a bit of social grace and coming across as someone worth hanging out with is a you problem, not an everyone else problem, your life will get a lot better.

[ruru67]

Also to address a point in your original post: if you date a vanilla, the chances they're into what you want to do are not great. Dating a vanilla with the intent of "converting" them to kink without being up front about your proclivities is dishonest. Don't do it; it's unlikely to end well.